Give me back my control!!!

Ive just realised why i get so pissed off with life. Its becase im not controlling it. Even when you have a plan of action, no, actually, especially when you have a plan of action, things seem to happen to ruin it, dont they? It feels as though everyone else is running my life. And its really starting to piss me off!
My weight thing isnt really working yet. I suppose one reason is that it has only been a few days, but also because I swear, my days are shorter than the average persons. On Tuesday, I had an early start because of my eye appointment. I have actually managed to scam another free trial, this time for three weeks, so thats fine by me! You gotta try aint ya? Anywayz, as i knew i wouldnt get lunch for a while, I forcefed myself my cranberry wheats. I dont do breakfast first thing, so actually i just felt sick. I knew i couldnt throw up though, coz that was against the whole point. I met Matt and the kids in town, and as it turns out we went for an early lunch at good old maccy d's. Is it only me that thinks they serve too much in the kids meals?! i feel so stodged after one! The afternoon was pretty tough, at his ex's house. Its a very strange feeling between us now. I have to admit, i was quietly pleased that baby didnt want Matt. Its not easy watching your fella nursing his ex's other child! But i shant go into that :) The evening went great though. Caught up with an old friend, Lucy and her fella Ryan. Such a lovely couple! Ive so badly missed her! We munched on chinese. scrum. Ryan was driving so we couldnt really open a bottle, but i attempted to use our spangly new champagne flute set anyway, only with pepsi. I was the only one that used it really. Everyone else complained as only a mouthful fits in it. Then i just stole Matts glass. It was a bit easier :) I thought with all that, my weight would have piled on, but actually Id gone back to 6st 0lb 8. Neg. On the job side of things, I did get a call from somewhere looking for stocktakers. I go to see them on Monday. So fingers crossed there. Yesterday, was a shit day for eating. Matt and I were kinda busy all day pretty much. We went to meet Nicki at work , very nice little cafe (although dodgy guy who runs it!) then picked up Lee who had a fun day at the dentist! lol. The boys had a a best man speech to prepare. Us girls did try to put some input, but not sure much was listened to! We discussed the kickboxing again. I think the boys may wel be wanting to do it too now. So Nicki is investigating that, ready for when i have pennies! (or at least for when the fella had pennies hehe) I really wanna kick Matts butt! Small but deadly. hopefully! I had a burger King, before we went down the seafront for a bit. A joyous occasion of watching everyone shoot stuff *yawn*. But then it was to Claires for Heroes. How great is that series? So in all, no time to squeeze in food. So grand total was....yup...the same 6st 0lb 8. Todays even worse. two slices of toast and a bowl of macaroni. Ive lost weight. All be it not much but today i weigh 6st 0lb 4. I feel disgusted with it. In fact what i havent mentioned is that Ive applied for a TV show, looking for people who are skinny like me. So maybe something will come of that. Jobwise, today was the day i signed on. Although i have no idea when ill get any money. There were a couple of jobs though. Child support worker, i called for. And i have a couple of numbers for tomorrow.

Nothing ever changes

Sometimes its just not worth bothering with the day! I woke up bright and early (my version of bright and early!). I knew what had to be done today, but it all went wrong from the very beginning. For starters, Ive learnt that fabric conditioner really doesnt make a nice cup of tea. I called Craig, but he couldnt meet me in the morning, so i did my usual domesticatedness. Of course, the washing line collapsed on me. My clothes are doll size so didnt reach the ground anyway, however an item or two of Matts may have given a spider or ant a nice new home :) Matt did come home, but briefly. He only brought one child round, which halved the danger lol. now we watch them like hawks! A beautiful sunny day. So we took the guinea pigs into the pen in the garden. And today of all days, Charlie decided to make a run for it through a whole in the fence! Amusing to watch Matt jump the fence, though! Of course Matt left after a couple of hours, so I had to cancel Lucy, so you can imagine my evening getting less and less sociable. As time passed by, i realised I wasnt going to get to see Craig either as he had to return to Leeds today. I admit i had a brief scribble of my application forms, tried to make a call or two, and wondered why no one was there. Of course, its bank holiday! Totally forgot! So the job thing was all a bit shit today! Feeling like id swallowed a boulder, i went to the only place that makes you feel better - bed :) a couple of hours kip. So this evening, ive completed my form for the support worker role which is the one i want most.
On a brighter note, a huge thanks to Emma whos been a real mate today :) Thanks to her, ive been really thinking about what im eating. Admittedly a little gutted that a half tin of beans is the same amount of calories as a mini aero! So today, ive managed 3 meals for the first time in forever! And ive snacked! Im so proud of myself! A bowl of cranberry wheats for brekkie, half a bowl of pasta for lunch and beans on two slices of toast for tea. Go me! I also made a bit a bruschetta to snack on at around midnight as is my habitual eating time. plus aeros, bananas and tunnocks teacakes (cant beat them). So the grand total of my weight today is *drumroll* 6st 1lb 8. Which I think is fabulous. Now i just need the poledancing lessons to turn the fat to muscle!
So what does tomorrow hold for me? well Matt may possibly be home, for starters :) And Lucy and her fella Ryan are coming to Grimsby to see us, so we have no excuse to cancel now! Ive so missed having her around! Oh and whilst I remember, the opticiams. Cant really scam any more free trial lenses so looks like ill have to pay since my eyesight is shockingly bad!
All that is left for me to do tonight is tuck snooch in. For those of you that know him, i dont think hes too well. He seems happy enough and is running about as usual, but hes so wrinkly and bald bless him! So everyone keep their fingers crossed that hes ok.

Is there an opposite of weightwatchers?

If there isnt, there damn well should be. What a business idea. Think of all those Bulemic and Anorexic chicks there are...interesting. Anyhoo, very proud to say my weight currently stands at a whopping 6st 0lb 8. I dont know what the 8 is....is it ounces? I stuffed up on a chinese, seemed to do the trick!
I knew this would work. I dont even know if anyone will read these posts, but just the thought of it means im trying harder at everything! Havent had chance to do much as yet as I spent a lot of the day trying to make my room into a habitable place now that Matts moved in. Ive even cleared a drawer for him. How good a fiance am I?!
Its now 1.30am. Snooch is back in bed, the two latest family members (ill add photos to facebook soon) Charlie and Percy are tucked in, so its just my own beautiful head to get down now. With Matt coming home, Craig, Lucy and Katie all visiting from afar, tomorrow should be a busy day. Not to mention my job hunting.
I feel really happy at the moment. So glad tonight is my last night alone :)

Ive set this blog up in an effort to push myself to actually get somewhere in life. Im sure im not the only one who usually feels like the world is against them, but Im beginning to lose my sanity. I know I take things too personally, so now im going to get personal back! I need all the help and encouragement I can get, and if I get lazy with something then everyone has permission to slap me silly!
Heres what I need help with!
1) I desperately need a job. This town is ridiculous for work. Weekends are harder I know. I currently have 4 forms to fill in and get sent back. Which I will do tomorrow. Or tonight. That would be even better! I have the opportunity to volunteer for victim support and also the SSAFA. So theseI will also call tomorrow. Might as well do something even if im not getting paid!
2) I need to get on with my studies. Im currently studying for my A level Psychology, at home. But of course with a million and one other things going on, it gets pushed to the back of my mind. This is so important though, because my final goal here is to attain a social care degree. My ultimate career goal is work with homeless people. And if i dont study, I wont get there.
3) I need to get healthy, and get some weight put on. I know Im only tiny, but I desperately need to eat properly and put some weight on. If you want to know why, you'll have to ask me. So each day Im gonna weigh myself, and try to eat more. For example today ive eaten 2 boiled eggs and toast, and 2 mini aero bars. This i will update tonight. Please forcefeed me! lol.

My (money reliant) goals are as follows
1) Get debts paid off. Once im working, this shouldnt take long. This is my priority.
2) Get my driving lessons. Matt (my better half!) may be able to help a little, but i still need to be able to afford proper lessons. I feel so trapped out in this village! I need the freedom!
3) Get our own place. Although we'll only be renting, Matt and I want to find our own little lovenest!

4) Wedding plans! The most expensive affair im sure, but also the most exciting. I cant focus on just the shit things in life, so ill also keep you all posted on our plans here, because as you all should know by now, the wedding will be in Scotland.

Anyway, promise this is the boring part over! Now you see where I want to be, you can help encourage me. I cant get let things get me down. I have to believe I can do things. And all achievements start with the smallest step right?